Detective Lionheart and the Case of the non-Unicorn magic user
by A Renegade Time Lord
Summary: Murders have occurred all over Canterlot, murders that nopony can explain. An eccentric private investigator by the name of Nickel Lionheart decides to take the case. What will he find? Contains OC and some clop.
1. Chapter 1

The Mystery of the non-Unicorn magic-user.

By A Renegade Time Lord

My dear Nickel,

Something very intriguing has come up, I don't know exactly what it is. In fact, I have no idea what to make of it. Which is why I sent you this letter, and not the Guard. I remember your interest in, as you say, odd things. Will you stop by my house at two o'clock this afternoon for tea?

Sincerely yours,

Blue Streak

P.S. You do remember where I live, don't you? 1529 East Mustang Road, here in Canterlot.

"'Intriguing.' I hope it's not something silly like last time, when you lost your saddlebags in your closet. I suppose I had best get showered and dressed."

Nickel Lionheart folded up the letter, rose from his kitchen table and deposited his coffee/tea mug in the sink. He then exited the kitchen and mounted the stairs, heading to the bathroom for a very-badly-needed bedhead cure. Arriving at the landing, he unbelted his bathrobe, tossed it through the open bedroom door and, feeling the cold morning air wash over his now-naked body, quickly entered the washroom, shut the door, stepped in the shower, and received an unpleasant blast of cold water as a shocking wake-up call. "Ah! Cold!" He shouted, in a voice that could rival Princess Luna's Royal Canterlot Voice.

"LIONHEART! SHUT UP!" Screamed a [i]very[/i] cranky landlord, an Earth Pony by the name of Rusty Gates. "Sorry, Rusty!" Lionheart shouted back from his new position, standing on one leg in the corner of his shower, shivering violently, waiting for the water to warm up. He tentatively flicked the stream with his hoof and found that it was warm enough to step into and NOT freeze one's *censored* off. He stepped into the lukewarm-and-rising water and, squeezing some shampoo from an almost-empty bottle, began wash his wild mane into submission, an epic battle of wills.

Five minutes later, he rinsed the shampoo out and grabbed his razor and the can of shaving cream. He relieved the can of some of its pressurized contents, lathered his snout up and looking in the fog-proof mirror, began to rescue his face from the fibrous protein that plagued it, praying to Luna's moon that he didn't cut himself again.

Five minutes later, and miraculously not cutting himself again, he reluctantly shut off the lovely hot water that cascaded down and over his back. Cursing the early morning cold, he slid the shower curtain back, eliciting a rather loud [i]eeeeee[/i] from the metal of the curtain rings grinding along the metal of the bar they hung on. In an almost frantic motion, he dashed out and grabbed a towel, furiously rubbing it against his legs to warm them up with the friction. Next, he draped the towel over his head and scrubbed, trying to absorb some of the water in his mane into it.

Wrapping the towel across the chest and back, he opened the bathroom door and walked across the landing to the bedroom to find…Fleur-de-Lis laying on his bed, waiting for him. He froze (figuratively), as the upper-class mare let her eyes roam over the stallion, eventually finding their way between his legs. She raised an eyebrow. "Is that for me, Monsieur?" She asked, in a heavy Prench accent. Coloring (and turning his red coat purple), he wrapped the towel about his waist, covering his *censored*, he made his way about the room, gathering his undergarments and covering himself from the stark-white mare.

"You picked my lock again, didn't you Fleur?"

She adopted a shocked expression and out a hoof to her chest. "_Moi_? I would _never_! Oh, fine. _Oui_, I did. But, when will you give me your _poulains_, your foals, Nicky? Here I am, laid out to you on your _lit_, your bed and you stand there, refusing me! Are you a stallion or are you a mare?" She taunted, hoping to antagonize him into mating her. "Fleur, please. Stop breaking and entering, at the very least."

"_Non_. Not until you make me your broodmare." She said silkily, giving him her very best "Rut me" eyes.

Fleur had broken into his apartment at least six times now, not including this one, each time demanding that he rut her and make her his broodmare, as she put it. It was rather grating. Not the desire to rutted 'til she couldn't see straight (her actual words), but her persistence. Nickel snorted in annoyance. "As you wish." he said.

"_Non_, why will you not – _Attendez, quoi?" _Wait, what?

"You heard me. Come back tonight. Then I shall make love to you. _Faire l'amour_, as you say. _Pour moi. Pas vous._" For me. Not you.

"…Must I wait, _mon amour?_"

"Yes. I have been called to an investigation. I must go."

"Is that regret I hear, my dear?"

"Yes, it is, actually. Now, may I get dressed unmolested?"

Fleur sighed massively, then slid off the bed, ears drooping, tail dragging. She trundled down the stairs and out of the door, which she locked behind her.

"Capital. Peace and quiet. For now, in any case." Nickel's instincts put a smile on his face in anticipation of the approaching rutting at the end of the day.

Free from the pursuant mare, he bumbled about the room, gathering the remainder of the clothing that he was to wear. Crisp white shirt, black slacks, waistcoat, socks, shoes, pocket watch, jacket. _Oh, and a tie, mustn't forget that, _he thought, slipping a blue one from the rack in the closet and looping it about his neck. He knotted it with a few expert tugs. He checked himself in the mirror and, satisfied with his clothing, he took up a brush and ran it through his mane several times.

"I do believe I shall go get breakfast. Where, though? Perhaps I should head over to Blue Streak's place early? No, she's never been fond of visitors coming too early… Still, the stickler for protocol that she is, why would she contact me first, instead of the Guard? That is most out of character for her. Questions, questions…"

Author's Notes:

Point 1: Fleur-de-Lis is French. Therefore, I shall type her native language. Fear not, I have provided translations and will continue to do so.

Point 2: Yes, there will be sexytimes occurring. When they arrive, please rate them on a scale of one to ten. This is my first time doing… well, I suppose it is clop, isn't it?... It is my first time doing clop, so please, tell me how I did.

Point 3: Pie are squared? No, no, no, they're round. Cobbler, now they are squared!

A bad math joke, there is never a bad time for 'em.


	2. Chapter 2

Nickel halfway descended the staircase and heard somepony knocking on the door, rather hammer-like in its ferocity. "I am awake!" he half-shouted. Quickly, he hopped the remaining half of the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Arriving at the door, he unlocked it and came face-to-face with one of Princess Celestia's Solar Guard, a Pegasus stallion. Upon seeing each other, their eyes narrowed simultaneously. Lionheart was first to speak: "Captain Steelwing. What a pleasure. How may I help you?" His words were pleasant, but his tone conveyed the exact opposite sentiment.

The Pegasus's steely eyes ne'er left the red stallion's. "Mail for you, Inspector." He extended his hoof, offering Nickel a letter.

The red stallion took it, and the moment he did, Steelwing performed an abrupt about-face and marched off onto the street.

"Mail, from Princess Celestia herself, hoof-delivered by her Solar Guard. Must be important." He said disdainfully, looking at the envelope in his hoof.

He carried it into the kitchen, tossed it on the table, and sat down in the chair. He gazed at the parcel for a moment, very seriously considering burning it. Lost in thought for a moment, he snorted in irritation. "Very well." He said, reaching for the letter. He took a knife left on the table from dinner the previous night and slit the envelope at the top, opening it. Pulling said envelope from the contents, he unfolded the piece of parchment. Another sheet fell out and onto the floor. He bent down and picked it up. It was on a heavier stock than the parchment, and embossed with a stylized silver sun-and-moon motif. It said simply, "Escort bearer to Princess Celestia immediately." He turned it, looking it over for anything else. Finding nothing, he returned his attention to the larger sheet and began to read:

Ex- Special Agent Nickel Lionheart,

I require to you to come to the Castle today promptly at four o'clock. The enclosed pass will get you escorted to me immediately.

Yours,

Princess Celestia

"Rather a rude summons. I suppose I should be thankful she didn't come herself, or send her brutes of guards to bring me before her now." He said, dreading the upcoming meeting with the regent and snorting. Conscious of an impending feeling of lateness, he looked up at the clock hanging above the sink. _One o'clock already?! Faust, time flies._ With that, he rose from the chair, slid the summons and the pass back into the envelope, tucked them in a pocket, and made for the door, shutting off the lights as he did so.

Outside, he dug in his pocket for his keys, retrieved them from the abyssal folds of cloth, locked the door double strong, then descended the steps and made a left turn. Coming to a pair of wooden gates, he threw them open, revealing a blue motorcycle, sleek and modern in design.

He threw a leg over the bike and inserted the key into the ignition, twisted it, making the engine respond with an ear–flattening roar. He revved the engine, backed it up onto the street, letting the gates close in the bike's wake. Putting the helmet on his head, pressing his ears to his head, he mentally plotted his route through Old Canterlot as he throttled the bike down the road. _I'll stop by Donut Joe's for breakfast._ he thought. _And by Rose's Roses, to find Streak some roses. Streaks love roses._

10 minutes later, Donut Joe's Donuts 'N' Joe

"Morning, Joe!" Nickel called out to the baker. Not looking up from the griddle, Joe called back, "Hey, Nick. Whaddaya have?"

"Can I get a dozen single glazed and 6 shots of Coltenhagen Espresso, if you're not too busy?"

"Coltenhagen, eh? You sure? You 'member what happened to ya's last time ya had 6 shots o' dat?"

"Okay then, four shots."

"Aight, then. Take a load off, yeah?"

"Don't mind if I do, Joe. Hey there, Hoity Toity." Nickel sat down next to the designer. "Good morning, Nickel." Hoity Toity said cheerily. "You're not often seen here in the afternoon. What are you doing now?" he asked, a bit intrusively.

"Just getting a bit of breakfast before I see Blue Streak and Princess Celestia. You?" Nickel said, causing Hoity Toity to do a small spit take. Spluttering and dabbing at himself with a paper napkin, he managed to get out, "Princess Celestia? Goodness me. Whatever for?"

"Beats me. All I know of it is she sent me a letter this morning with a hurry-to-me pass."

"Oh. Well." Hoity Toity began, before being cut off by Joe: "Your order's up, Nick! Dozen glazed, 6 Colten!"

Nickel was up from his chair faster than Pinkie to greet a newcomer. He dashed to the order, sat down there and began to eat with much gusto, throwing back an espresso shot as soon as his blank flanks touched the red leatherette seat.

In one minute, he had decimated almost half the entire order (5 donuts and 4 shots) before Joe slid the tray away from him, much to his displeasure. "Don't eat too fast, Nick. They're good, but not good enough to choke over." The baker pony said. Nickel said something unintelligible. Probably throwing hatin' on Joe for taking the remains of the order from him.

"Swallow, my friend. Chew first."

Nickel worked his jaw furiously, masticating the doughy goodness with astonishing rage. When he had swallowed most of it, Joe brought the tray back. "Ya might wanna, ya know, taste the food before you swallow, yeah?" he admonished. Lionheart turned red(der). He stared at Joe for a moment, then resumed eating, albeit with less enthusiasm than before.

He finished silently five minutes later. While Joe's back was turned, he took a pen out of his pocket and wrote "Thank you!" on the napkin then took 15 bits to pay for breakfast and fled the establishment. Somehow, the bell above the door didn't ring when he left, nor did Joe hear the bike start up.

Five minutes later, at Rose's Roses

"Hi Rose!" Nickel said brightly, startling the flowerpony, who was crouching under the table at her stand. "Ah! Oh, goodness. You scared me, Nick." She exclaimed, straightening. "What can I get for you? A... rose, perhaps?"

"Two dozen roses, please."

"Two dozen? For Fleur?" she asked.

Nickel shook his head. "For Blue Streak. I'm visiting her early. She doesn't like over-punctuality."

"Ah. I see. Two dozen will run you twenty bits." Rose said. Nickel ponied up twenty bits and lay them on the table. Rose handed hm the roses, then scooped the bits into her hoof and bent to drop them into her moneybag. When she came back up, he was still there. "What is it? Are they the wrong roses?" she asked, afraid she had mistaken her own wares. The red stallion smiled and said, "No, Rose. They are for you!" He offered her one of the bouquets. "Congratulations on your marriage."

Wordlessly, she accepted the roses back. She blushed, staining her cream-colored cheeks as he bowed, holding the roses close to his chest, so as not to drop them. He then turned and mounted his motorcycle and rode off. Rose watched him go, then tilted her head and smelled the roses. They were... quite lovely.

About thirty minutes later, (one forty-five) outside 1529 East Mustang Road

When Nickel rounded the corner at the intersection of East and North Mustang Road, he was forced to brake almost as soon as he rounded, making the bike's tires squeal. Despite her insistence that she hadn't called them, the City Guard swarmed about frantically, trying to keep passing ponies from viewing the scene, whatever it was. A deep blue Pegasus mare, Blue Streak, fought her way out of the crowd of policeponies and common passersby and trotted up to him. "You're early, Nickel. I asked you to come here at two this afternoon." She said.

"Yes, well, I simply wanted to see your b-e-a-u-tiful face again. My eyes suffer from its absence. A gift!" he said, extending the roses to her. "Oh. Well, thank you, Nicky." She said, surprised.

"Should I not have?"

"No, no. I… Ah. 'Tis just as well, I had no other plans for the day. Not after this…" she said, not sure what to say. "Won't you come inside?" Asked the Pegasus mare, motioning to her house.


	3. Chapter 3

"No!" She suddenly shouted, attracting the unwelcome attention of a few policeponies, who then broke off from the gaggle and headed over. Blue Streak was oblivious. "No. You were supposed to come over at two! Not early! You know I hate early! Just- No wait, stop Officer!" She shrieked, for one of the officers, a Pegasus mare, snuck up from behind and slammed the butt of her weapon down on the side of Nickel's head, flinging him off the bike and onto the sidewalk, blood oozing from the area she had hit. Quick as Zecora to rhyme, the mare pinned poor Nickel, whipped out a pair of cuffs and booked him.

"No Officers, stop! Not him! It's not him!" Blue Streak shouted.

"Sorry, Ma'am, but based on your description of the perp, this stallion is a suspect! Red coat, white mane, Earth stallion, about 6 foot 4, thin! He fits the description you gave us. Deputy, put him in the wagon, take him downtown and watch him."

At the station,

Nickel was knocked out cold the moment the butt hit him. Even so, the deputy had some trouble moving him. Neither of them were small stallions, but - _Damn! It shouldn't have been that hard to move him to the wagon and cart him to the station. And now, I get stuck guardin' him._

A groan emanated from the prisoner's cell. "Aahh. Owwww! Damn! I mean, fuckin' A, mare! What the fuck'd I do this time?!" Nickel shouted at nopony in particular, deploying his preferred profanity. _Oh. Well, at least I can talk to somepony now,_ the deputy thought. Carefully, he poked his head in front of the cell. "Mr. Lionheart?" he asked. Lionheart turned around and rolled his eyes. "Great. Fuck me. Now I get pestered by some rookie who knows who I am, or was, anyway. Eh, things could be worse, I suppose: I could be late to the meeting with Princess Celestia. Ohh... shit."

"Your not late."

"Wait, how do you know my name? And how do- You read that letter, didn't you." It was NOT a question.

"Yes. Then I realized who it was from. Meeting you was a highlight of the night, but then the letter from Princess Celestia herself. And that pass! Wow." The deputy said excitedly. "My day has been_made!_"

"I am _so_ glad I made your day brighter." Nickel said, his very tone conveying the exact opposite thought.

"Deputy Armor." An unmistakable voice, ringing with authority and femininity resounded throughout the cell block. Lionheart moved to the front of the cell. Somehow, Princess Celestia had entered the block without making a sound. "Open Special Agent Lionheart's cell now, please. He has been cleared of all charges." The deputy, Armor, apparently, leapt up from his seat, fumbled with the keys, produced the right one, poked it into the lock of the cell door, twisted it and freed Nickel.

The newly-freed Earth stallion approached the young deputy, a Unicorn, now he saw him clearly, and said, "I believe you have some things that belong to me, Deputy." As he said it, he subtly cast a glance at the deputy's flank, looking for his mark. A pink six-pointed star on a purple shield with three light blue stars above it presented themselves. "Y-yes sir." Armor said quickly, digging in the small pouch that held the rest of Nickel's belongings. Thinking better of it, he simply handed Nickel the pouch. "Thank you. And my bike keys? They're not in here." Nickel asked, after rooting in the sack. "Your motorcycle is being held in the vehicle impound." Princess Celestia interjected.

"Ah. Excellent." Nickel said, feeling a little reassured. He, ah, _really_ liked that bike. "I suppose we can have our meeting a bit late, Special Agent Lionheart, yes?"

"I don't really have a choice, do I? And I am not a Special Agent anymore. Not since the fiasco with the New Lunar Republic."

"No, you don't." Celestia said unhappily, trotting down the hall towards the door. "My carriage is outside. If you would like to ride with me, or ride yourself to the Castle, you may do so. If you ride with me, your motorcycle will be transported to the Castle. Alternatively, if you choose to ride it there, it shall be taken care of."

"Thank you, Ma'am. I believe I shall ride my bike." Nickel said, feeling agitated after being cooped up in a cell for... however long it was.

"Very well. When you arrive, your motorcycle will be cleaned and re-fueled. You will have your injuries cleaned and treated, and you may bathe yourself, if you wish." The Princess offered.

"Thank you, Ma'am. The bath shan't be necessary, though, the bike cleaning and re-fueling would be appreciated." The pair reached the door, and, shielding his eyes from the difference in brightness, Nickel pushed it open for the Princess. The door led out right next to the impound, much to Nickel's delight. He could see the bike's metallic paint gleaming in the sun.

He accompanied the Solar Princess to the carriage, opened the door. "We shall begin our conference at five-thirty. is this acceptable?" Celestia asked.

"Whatever time is acceptable to Your Majesty, Ma'am."

**Author's Note:**

Chapter IV coming soon!

Deputy Armor will have a more important role to play in the future. Stay tuned!


End file.
